Monday, May 9, 2011

Another Year Survived

First, I want to say Happy Mother's Day to my mother, who is without a shadow of a doubt my rock in life.  I have no idea where or what I would be without her, and I am so blessed to have just known her.  She is an example of God's grace, and a reminder of what a true lady is.  I love her beyond words!!

Alright, just to keep it real - y'all, yesteday was a hard day for me.  I share this with caution because I do not want to sound like a whine bag or that I'm search of being consoled...believe me, that's not what this is.  And, I am so happy for the millions of mother's out there celebrating - maybe even for the first time - the precious gift of being called Mom.  However, every Mother's Day is hard for me - it's a "in my face" reminder of the 6 year long longing in my heart that hasn't been filled - but I usually glide through just kinda holding my breath and keeping the tears at bay.  The week leading up to M.Day, I had prayed HARD for the Lord to help me get through the day with strength, to remind me of His promises in my life, to be filled with joy and love for the wonderful mother and mother-in-law I have, to not allow the day to become a day of sadness, and by all means to please help me to hold the tears back


to protect the "innocent" I won't share the nitty gritty details, but to say I "cried" at church would be the strongest understatement of the year...much more like an "ugly cry" situation.  Not pretty.  And, please don't think something or someone hurt my feelings by doing or saying something heartless because that was not the case.  It was very much the opposite.  I was completely and totally overwhelmed by the gentleness and love in actions and words by a few special people and the tears could not be stopped.  I kept trying to stop, and they kept flowing.  I got mad at myself that I couldn't just STOP, and yet...the tears continued.  No one that I know of even saw me crying, but I was so embarassed by my tears and felt like I had a red flashing arrow above my head.  When we got in the car, I burst in to tears again and told Brad how I had prayed and prayed the days leading up that the Lord would help me to not cry today, but today had by far been the most emotional Mother's Day for me to date. 

And, in Brad's way that he always does, he spoke truth over me.  He said, "Hayley, sometimes it IS better to just cry.  Sometimes not crying is just not the best thing at that moment."  The truth in that statement: Just one more reminder that it's out of my control.  It. Is. Out. Of. My. Control.  The tears.  God's timing.  A baby.  Being a mother.  Sometimes even the littlest things - like crying - need to be done despite our own willing because we (i.e. "I") never need to lose sight that everything is out of our (i.e. my) control, no matter how much we (i.e. "I") try to control life. 

Doesn't take the longing or sadness away.  Just reminds me - "I'll never leave you, nor forsake you" is truth, and "I will give you the desires of your heart" will be in His perfect timing.  And, sometimes it's ok to not be able to hold it together, but to just cry. 

I've shared this video before, but it so perfectly shares what this hard journey called "infertility" is for us.  No matter how our journey of infertility ends - whether getting pregnant, adopting, or neither - we will never ever be the same again. 


  1. sending you a great big HUG right now!!! Wish I could hug you in person and just have a big, ugly, cry WITH You. : )
    I'm not a pretty crier (is crier a word? ha-ha) Anyhow....mother's day is not my favorite either..I lost my Mother 10 years ago yesterday (mother's day weekend) to cancer and it has by far been the one thing that has rocked my world. I cry a LOT on mother's day and the past few years have just "skipped" church and done something for me. THis year a few of my friends, my family, and I loaded up and went to the beach for the day.

  2. I understand. Having lost my Mom and praying to become a mom myself. We went to the cemetery and took flowers to my mom and visited our son with minimal tears. What got me was when a friend pulled me to the side and said the nicest things about how I had handled myself on such a difficult day and how I handled myself every day. That almost caused me to lose it. Please know that you were not alone.

  3. I am praying for your miracle!

  4. I think about you often Hayley. You will be an awesome mom one day! Your time is coming. Six years is a long time to struggle with infertility. I'm praying for your little miracle, too.