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Friday, March 16, 2012

Eight Years and Counting

Brad and I are just a few weeks away from celebrating our 9th anniversary...WOW!  There are so many emotions that I feel when I think of the past 9 years - joy, happiness, love, gratefuleness.  We have been blessed, so very blessed.  Wonderful families, great jobs, a fabulous church, precious friendships.  

But.

Within those 9 years, there has been "the other side" of our lives that have made up our marriage.  

Infertility.  

Close to 8 years of it to be exact.  EIGHT years.  Wow, that is so overwhelming to say that, much less type it. A little over a year after we got married, we had hopeful dreams of becoming parents, and were excited to start trying to make that a reality.  I had always had irregular cycles, but just thought it would all work itself out.  One year went by in a blink, with no baby or pregnancy for us - but the arrival of 2 nieces.  I went to my regular GYN, and after some testing determined that I had PCOS (Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome) and was put on Glucophage.  Year 2 crept by, each month just knowing it was "the month"...but, never was.  Year 3 came and went, along with another niece and nephew being born and a whole HOST of babies filling our church nursery and friends' arms - but not our own.  We were SO discouraged.  So frustrated.  So hurt.  

We decided it was time to look to a specialist for help.  Year 4 was filled with many months of progesterone checks, ovulation tests, HCG tests, Clomid, and negative pregnancy test results.  Year 5 came, and my doctor wanted to try 1 more month on Clomid in January.  So we did, and much to our surprise found out we were pregnant in February! I called Brad in disbelief at what the nurse had told me on the phone - "you're pregnant"!  It was finally OUR time!  We had no sooner told all of our family, and started thinking about what it would be like as a family of 3, that problems began and I miscarried.  The pain we had felt with infertility was now amplified with the loss of a pregnancy.  That was by far some of the darkest days of this journey, and rocked Brad and I to the core.  We took a few months off from any medications, and then we started our first round of FSH shots.  Nada.  My doctor felt it was time to try to do an IUI.  So, the day before Thanksgiving of 2008 we had our first IUI.  I started bleeding 2 weeks after, and after calling my doctor's nurse, she said I had started my period and was not pregnant.  However, 5 weeks later I started having excruciating pain and found out I was in fact pregnant, but was having an ectopic pregnancy.  I woke up the next day in a hospital bed, one fallopian tube less than I had the day before.  In physical pain yes, but the emotional trauma was much greater.  

My doctor said "you need a break".  A break?!!  A BREAK!??  Yes, my body had been pumped to the max with enough baby making meds in the past 2 years to make any sane woman lose her mind from the hormonal roller coaster, but I didn't want a break from trying to fulfill my deepest desire to become a mother.  He reassured me that I indeed did need a break to let me body heal physically as well as emotionally from the near fatal trauma of the ectopic pregnancy.  He also told me that because of the ectopic, our options in fertility treatments had been closed to only IVF (Invitro Fertilization).  I walked out of his office in January 2009, with begrudging plans to take a 6 month break from treatments.  

Well, now it's March 2012, and a little over 3 years since I last saw my fertility specialist.  I embraced the "taking a break", and realized I did need it - much more than I ever thought I would.  We have continued to just try on our own, praying for a miracle to come.  Many family and friends have announced, "guess what - we're pregnant...AGAIN!"  now with their 2nd and 3rd children, and Brad and I are still left with empty arms.  You would think after 8 years I would be a pro at this, but with each announcement and arrival of a new bundle of joy for someone else, comes the same sadness and overwhelming anxiety from the 1st year.  

Have we not learned anything on this journey?  Heavens, YES - we know more about reproduction and fertility than we ever imagined we would need or want to know, we've learned how to love each other much more, we've learned how much strength that we can muster up in trying times, and we've learned about God and His love for us.  The great, powerful love and comfort only He can give.  How thankful I am for that.    

The past few months, I have felt a renewed readiness to re-enter the world of fertility treatments.  I just feel ready.  We are praying through it, but are cautiously excited about hope of what the future may hold.  To prepare, we are getting physically ready - I want to be at the optimum of health because that's something that I can do to make treatments and (hopefully) a pregnancy as smooth as possible.  Brad and I have been off of sugar for 10 weeks, and I have lost OVER 40 pounds!!!!!  Every pound that's lost, I feel is one step closer to the possibility of a healthier me...which will hopefully mean a greater chance of a pregnancy and baby!           

We covet your prayers for us and with us as we trust God with our future, and pray with expectancy and faith.  


13 comments:

  1. I have read your post and I know how it feels. I will pray for you

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  2. Reading your post took me back ten years ago, I could have written it. We had an ectopic and two miscarriages then took a two year break. Well my husband was ready to be done with all the treatment and we decided to adopt. In two years we completed two international adoptions of infants and ten years later we are a family of four! Our children could not be more ours if I had birthed them. If not for infertility we would have never been the family we are. Good luck and I will say a pray for you.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story! You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story! I can definitely relate to the pain of having friends/family members announce 2nd and 3rd pregnancies just in the time we've been trying. It's really disheartening and a huge mix of emotions to be so happy for them yet feel so lonely and sad for yourself... Congrats on the weight loss and good luck getting your body ready for treatments! I wish you the best! :)

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  5. Praying for you! And Super awesome congrats on your weight loss! That is fantastic!!

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  6. Wow, we have walked some of the same paths. Thanks for sharing your journey and your life. Praying for you as well. Laura

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  7. I wish you and your husband the best of luck this time around. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless.

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  8. Stopping by from Kelly's Korner to say hi! Keep trusting God's plans for your family~ He is faithful!

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  9. Just found your blog, Hayley, and love it! I pray this is your moment...your round of fertility treatments. All the best, ~Cindi

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  10. I am so touched by your post...came over from Kelly's Korner and really needed to be reminded that my feelings are not abnormal, that my pain is not crazy and that my tears are not alone... Like you, I rejoice with every new baby for other loved ones and friends, yet grieve at our inability to hold our own baby. we lost a baby at 8 weeks just over a year ago and have yet to successfully conceive again since. it's been a tough ride, diagnosed with PCOS about 8 months ago, and learning how to cope with the unknown.

    I look forward to following you and appreciate you sharing your story!

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  11. Congrats on your weight loss! That is awesome! I think about you often and I pray IVF #1 is a success. I know a lot of IVF babies. :-)

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  12. My husband and I are going on 5 yrs of infertility. I have PCOS, we have tried clomid, weren't candidates for IUI, and also found out last year it's also my husband. We were given a 50/50 chance with IVF. I know the hurt you feel, I know the want, I know the desire of your heart because I am there right with you. It is so frustrating to see women having kids that don't want them or don't take care of them when it is the one thing in life I want the most. We too are trying to take a break it is mentally and physically exhausting and we have spent the whole beginning stage of our marriage trying to fix something out of our control....tell God your plans, he will just laugh, he has it all figured out. I trust in that and know that he will give me what I need in time. Prayers to you and your husband!

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  13. Praying God gives you a healthy baby soon! And congrats on your weight loss!

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