Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Learning to Depend

Dependency is not something I do well. From the time I was a child, I have been Ms. Independent. Never wanting help. Never wanting to appear that I needed help. Always thinking "I can do it myself".

So, you can just imagine how breaking my ankle and having to depend on everyone has not been an enjoyable experience. Don't get my wrong - I LOVE for people to do things for me on special occasions. I completely revel in being doted on for my birthday. It thrills my soul when someone goes out of their way to do something extra special for me just because. But, when I have to DEPEND on someone to do something because I can't...whole different story.

Well, I don't know if this is true in your life, but often in my very weakest moments, the Lord shows His strength...

When I layed at the bottom of my steps on Friday morning in pain, I screamed with tears streaming down my face, "BRAD!!!!!!!" Of course, there was no one else to call for because he was the only person at my house - but, if there had been 50 people at our house, his name would have been the first on my lips. Why? Because I know Brad will take care of me. I know he will do his very best to keep me from pain. I know that he's strong as an ox and can pick me up when I fall.

When he got me up, I was in so much pain I could not walk. Crying and weak from the stress of the fall, I was completely limp. Brad basically carried me up the steps and back down again to go to the hospital.

When we got home, fear set in as I looked at the steps which seemed like a mountain to climb now, even though there were only 4. Knowing I only had one leg for support and crutches that I was not confident using yet, I began shaking my head and fighting back tears as I kept saying over and over, "I can't go up those steps, Brad! I'm going to fall!! I can't do it!" Brad told me to put my arms around his neck, and just hold on. With my one good foot and the support of him, I got up without any problem.

The next day, we were going to his parent's house for supper. Before time to go, Brad went outside and beat the steps with a hammer to break up any ice that had formed so they would be safe for me to go down. Even though I knew there was no ice, when it was time to go down the steps, fear got the best of me. I again began telling Brad I was going to fall. Brad was holding on to me so tightly there was no way I would fall, and yet I was afraid.

Brad said, "Hayley, just trust me."

"I do!! I'm just afraid of falling again!" I whispered, my voice shaking.

His grip around my body got a little bit tighter, he looked at me straight in the eye and he said with determination, "Just trust me, Hayley! I have never let you fall, and I'm not going to now. Hold on to me - use your good foot - and, I will get you down these steps. You've just got to trust me."

And, you know what? I took a deep breath, did as he said, and got down with no problems.

The Lord spoke to my heart in that moment. The moment I trusted. The moment I knew I couldn't do it on my own and had to succumb to Brad's instructions. The moment I had to willingly depend on Brad for physical strength.

My precious Heavenly Father spoke me and said, "Hayley, just trust Me. That's all you have to do."

So many times, I try to be Ms. Independent. I worry over the "what ifs", and fear overwhelms me. And, just to be honest, sometimes it's just hard to trust. But, the Lord reminded me in that moment of His presence in my life. Of His need for my dependency in order to do His will. He reminded me that when life comes at me a 100 miles an hour and knocks me off my feet, "Jesus" should be the first name on my lips. Why? Because I know Jesus will take care of me. I know He will do His very best to keep me from pain. I know that His strength is perfect and He will pick me up when I am weak. That He is the one that carries me when I can't take another step. Jesus holds me every step of the way, and lets me lean on Him when I am in fear. Jesus is the one that goes before me to prepare the way, and He is the One that I must simply trust when the road seems rocky and unsure. All He asks for from me is to trust, succumb to His instructions, and willingly depend on Him.

Thank you, Lord, for speaking to my heart and reminding me of such simple truth that can be so very difficult. I trust You. I believe You. And, I am depending on You. I love you and am so thankful to be called "Yours".

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful illustration of God's love. Hayley, you are such a blessing. Thank you for touching the lives of others through your pain. I am praying for you! Love you, girl!!