Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It's Been A While...

...since infertility has been mentioned around here on the ol' blog. To be honest, it's just a subject that sometimes I have to completely avoid. Why? Well, the word "infertility" carries a WHOLE LOT of baggage with it for Brad and I. Pain. Loss. Frustration. Hurt. Sadness. Prayers unanswered.

Oh, the baggage.

For a very long time - already into our 4th year - infertility has been a word that I felt was written on a sign hanging from my neck. It was apart of who I was, and I felt even began to define who I was.

But, since my 2nd failed pregnancy in January 2009, I have changed. That pregnancy ended in a operating room due to a very serious tubal pregnancy, and my doctor recommended taking a break from fertility treatments to let my body rest physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn't even realize how much I needed that break until I was forced to take one. And, goodness gracious - I now sit 13 months into "the break" from being poked and prodded, weekly trips to Birmingham, Brad giving me daily shots in the hip, and the hormonal roller coaster from high voltage doses of "baby making" meds...and realize it was needed in the worst way. Infertility had begun to define me. I felt like I was almost to the point of introducing myself as, "Hi, My name is Hayley, and I have fertility issues".

Now, don't get me wrong - I still wait with HOPE. I still beg the Lord from the deepest depth of my soul to allow us to conceive and deliver healthy babies. I have faith. And, I've not given up yet.

But, infertility has a little less of a grip around my neck now.

I'm stronger now than I ever have been (or so I tell myself). I handle dealing with "baby situations" a little bit better (most of the time). And, I've recently even been able to muster up sincere joy for others in their pregnancies (and, you have NO IDEA what a work of God that is!!).

I did something after Christmas that I have never allowed myself to do. I purchased something that I absolutely adored for a future Baby Powell. Giving myself permission, and then actually purchasing it was revelation for me. I was putting my faith into action. I felt like I was saying to the Lord in the act of buying something for a future Baby Powell that I believe He will answer my prayers, and I am preparing for the answered prayer. When I got home, I left the precious garment on our kitchen table. When Brad saw it, he immediately asked who I had bought it for. I told him I bought it to put up for Baby ________ ________ (yes, we have our babies' names picked out...). He simply said, "okay" and went on about his business. I know Brad well enough to know his simple "okay" meant "I get it", "I understand", and "it's okay that you purchased an item for a child that we have prayed to come for 4 years and that we continue to wait for". He didn't question me, or give me an odd look. And, it brought peace that I was not totally insane.

And, I have big plans of putting Baby ________ ________ in the precious little things that I have (I have bought a couple of other things since the first purchase) and taking pictures. My faith purchases. Our babies will NEVER doubt they were wanted and loved LONG LONG LONG before they were ever created, and they are truly gifts from the Lord!!!

I'm close (almost there) to re-enter the world of fertility treatments. Close, but not quite there. I'm emotionally ready, but mentally and physically not. Fertility treatments are grueling, and I've got to be ready from all aspects or it will do no good but suck money out of our pocketbooks and leave us frustrated with no baby.

Please pray with us - pray for my body, pray for discernment and wisdom, pray for financial needs.

And, wait with us in HOPE and great expectations of answered prayers!


  1. I'll be praying with you! I know how bad you want this. I won't pretend to know what you're going through but I can sympathize with your losses. It's heartbreaking to lose something that you've loved since before you even knew it was there. God will answer your prayer when he feels it's the right time.

  2. Praying for you Hayley and for Brad! This post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel about taking a break and feeling renewed but not quite ready to start the process again. That is where Brian and I find ourselves right now. I am so excited that you took a leap of faith and bought something for your future baby Powell.

  3. This post brought back so many memories for me. I know exactly how you feel. I think about you often and I pray that Baby Powell gets here sooner than later. Keep buying those precious baby items b/c you WILL be a mom.

  4. This is a very encouraging post. Thank you for sharing it. I know this is kind of delayed, but I just found your blog :)